The Very First Robot.

I was there when the first robot was created.

It was back in 1922, and the man who created it was a pedophile who had got caught hitting upon many little kids in his neighborhood in Boston Massachusetts.

After getting getting the shit kicked out of him by the father of an eight year old girl, the man went home distraught because he hadn't gotten lucky. As he nursed his blackened eye, he prayed, "Dear God, I am an honest Christian man. I go to church, I give my ten percent, I pray for lost souls, I try and convert sinners, but yet, I get nothing in return! Why can't I just have one child to have sex with every night? Why Lord, why?"

God was busy that night because Jesus had cut his elbow, and in order to heal it, Jesus had to use his tongue. Jesus wasn't very agile and couldn't reach his elbow with his mouth, so God had to take him to the Emergency Room in Heaven where incidentally, Jesus worked as the main doctor. God was busy filling out the insurance forms, and everyone knows how frustrating that can be, so I was busy answering prayers that night. And how I loathed prayer detail.

As I heard the prayer from the Pedophile in Massachusetts, I got to thinking about technology and how it wasn't advancing fast enough during that time period. I popped down to Earth and paid a visit to this man.

I appeared in his kitchen, and as a super natural being, my appearance can be a bit shocking. The man jumped back, startled at my beautiful form. See I was there in Sodom and Gomorrah when that whole "OHHH LET'S RAPE THE ANGELS" incident happened, so I put up my guard seeing as this man was a pervert. I pulled out my Holy Machete and said, "Fuck with me and I'll cut you, asshole."

The man grew scared until I said,

"BEHOLD I AM GOD'S SIDE KICK! HE IS BUSY TONIGHT SO HE CAN'T ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS, BUT FEAR NOT YOU FUCKING SICKO, I AM HERE TO SHOW YOU THE LIGHT!"

"You're going to let me have sex with you?" He inquired, and I shook my head sadly.

"No, you dumb mother fucker. What is it with you humans? All you think about is sex sex sex...hello...Holy Fucking Machete?" I pointed to the very large blade that I was holding. "If this bad ass mother fucker even TOUCHES you, you'll be disfigured for life, which trust me, would be a vast improvement. Ever heard of fucking dental hygiene?"

The man stared at me blankly. I sighed and urged him to sit down in the rickety kitchen chair, wondering why I was doing this. I had better things to do. Me and Moses usually got high on Saturday nights and went out clubbing. I could tell that my plans had been shot to hell.

"Instead of accosting real children to have sex with (I don't know why the fuck you aren't in the fucking clink yet), why don't you make a child to have sex with?" I suggested.

"Well no gal would have me..." He eyed me, as I appeared to be a female. Well, I am and I'm not. I'm like God, genderless. But that was still pretty fucking disgusting.

"No, no, no, no, no, no! God you're a fucking moron! I KNOW that you couldn't get laid even if you offered to pay a bitch to sleep with your ugly ass...MAKE A FUCKIN' ROBOT!" I said, frustrated. The man gave me a peculiar side ways look, as though I had just spouted off in fuckin' Russian or some shit. "Why couldn't I have answered the prayers of a Japanese baby raper? Why did I have to choose the fucking stupid one? WHY!" I hit myself over and over. "Look it's really easy. I'll help you. Go hunt through the garbage and pull out anything metal that you can find."

So the man did as he was told, and after several hours of tedious labor, he fashioned himself a crude robot child. I gave it skin, and human like features.

"Well, how do I make it work?"

"Beats the shit out of me," I said. And then I killed him for being such a fucking pervert. I hate pedophiles.

He learned a valuable lesson that day: Pedophiles don't go to heaven.

How the World Was Really Created.

One day, Me and God were sitting around drinking some Bud and watching the game while God was supposed to be studying.

God says, "If I don't come up with a killer project that's due at the end of the semester, I'm going to fail Biology."

I says to God, "Fuck school. No body ever learned any thing at fucking school."

God says to me, "Well I don't know my parents, and if I fail this Biology project I won't get into a good college and no one will ever take me seriously."

At this point, the piles of cans of beers surrounded us like fucking groupies backstage at a fucking Guns N' Roses show or some shit. I was fucking loaded. God was the goody two shoes type (and a total light weight I should add) so to take his mind off of things, I got out the beer bong and poured lots and lots of beer into it. It was too much for God, so he barfed up the gas station nachos and beef jerky that he had consumed earlier that day, and thus the earth was created.

And God said, "I'm never going to drink again."

So in reality, it was me that created the earth. If I hadn't of pressured God into drinking so much that he barfed, you assholes wouldn't be here today.



Disclaimer: This didn't actually happen, so before you get all pissy and offended, you up tight Christian assholes, God isn't a registered trademark. I know you conservative types like to make your monies, but you can't sue me so nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. Why don't you go on T.V. and demand money from people in the name of God so you can buy your 200 acre mansion and your 50th Mercedes Benz.

However, if you think that this IS real, I do take donations. Sucker.